Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most | 
| Authors: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher
Publisher: Penguin (Non-Classics)
Category: Book
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Avg. Customer Rating:  125 reviews
Sales Rank: 472
Media: Paperback
Edition: 1
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 250
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.4
Dimensions (in): 7.1 x 5.1 x 0.6
ISBN: 014028852X
Dewey Decimal Number: 158.2
EAN: 9780140288520
ASIN: 014028852X
Publication Date: April 2000
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We've all been there: We know we must confront a coworker, store clerk, or friend about some especially sticky situation--and we know the encounter will be uncomfortable. So we repeatedly mull it over until we can no longer put it off, and then finally stumble through the confrontation. Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, offers advice for handling these unpleasant exchanges in a manner that accomplishes their objective and diminishes the possibility that anyone will be needlessly hurt. The authors, associated with Harvard Law School and the Harvard Project on Negotiation, show how such dialogues actually comprise three separate components: the "what happened" conversation (verbalizing what we believe really was said and done), the "feelings" conversation (communicating and acknowledging each party's emotional impact), and the "identity" conversation (expressing the situation's underlying personal meaning). The explanations and suggested improvements are, admittedly, somewhat complicated. And they certainly don't guarantee positive results. But if you honestly are interested in elevating your communication skills, this book will walk you through both mistakes and remedies in a way that will boost your confidence when such unavoidable clashes arise. --Howard Rothman
Book Description
Members of the Harvard Negotiation Project--which brought you the mega-bestseller Getting to YES--show you how to handle your most difficult conversations with confidence and skill.
Whether you're dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with your spouse about money or child-rearing, negotiating with a difficult client, or simply saying "no," or "I'm sorry," or "I love you," we attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day. Based on fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project, Difficult Conversations walks you through a step-by-step proven approach to having your toughest conversations with less stress and more success. You will learn:
how to start the conversation without defensiveness
why what is not said is as important as what is
ways of keeping and regaining your balance in the face of attacks and accusations
how to decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation
Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations will help you on the job, at home, or out in the world. It is a book you will turn to again and again for advice, practical skills, and reassurance.
"Does this book deliver on [its] promise of an effective way through sticky situations, whether 'with your baby sitter or your biggest client'? It does."-- The New York Times
"These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice."-- Booklist
"Brilliant. . . . I've already re-read most of it. I'm using it. What more could a reader ask?"-- Tom Peters
"Emotional Intelligence applied to life's tough moments."-- Daniel Goleman
Download Description
"What is a difficult conversation? Asking for a raise. Ending a relationship. Saying ""no"" to your boss or spouse. Confronting disrespectful behavior. Apologizing. Conversations we dread, and often handle clumsily as a result, are part of all our lives: in boardrooms and family rooms, across the negotiation table and the dinner table. Now, Difficult Conversations teaches us how to handle these dialogues with more success and less anxiety. How does it work? Based on fifteen years of research and consultations with thousands of people, Difficult Conversations pinpoints what works. The authors discovered that regardless of context, the same small but crucial errors are what trip us up--and a few key adjustments can make all the difference. * The role of emotions--ours and theirs * The impact of what is said and what is not said * Why admitting our mistakes will put us in a stronger position * The truth behind the myth that women are better at expressing their emotions than men * How to respond productively in the face of personal attacks Who is this for? Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations is certain to be an instant and lasting classic for families, neighbors, bosses, employees, customers, tenants, landlords, psychologists, teachers, and more. Who are the authors? Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen teach at Harvard Law School and at the Harvard Negotiation Project. They have consulted to countless businesspeople, governments, organizations, and communities including all parties to the negotiations on constitutional transition in South Africa; school teachers in Medellin, Colombia; and community leaders and the police department in Springfield, Massachusetts. They lecture throughout the world and have written on negotiation, conflict resolution, and communication. Bruce Patton is co-author of Getting to Yes."
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| Customer Reviews: Read 120 more reviews...
 read it May 11, 2008
I had to fire someone. I read this book. It made having the conversation easier and more civil.
Amazing insight into Human Communications April 25, 2008
This book offers incredibly helpful information about dealing with those conversations we all dread having--the ones that are typically the most important and potentially life-altering. The authors were part of the Harvard Negotiation Project(and helped with the Iran Hostage Crisis, among other major negotiations). I found this to be the most helpful, insightful, and cogent presentation of how we screw up the very conversations in which we want to be at our best--and how to overcome our tendency to be operating from our reptilian brain during our body's physiological "fight or flight" response to stress. This hit home for me in so many areas. I have a degree in psychology (with an emphasis on neuropsych),and an MBA, and over 25 years professional sales experience. I have been through many communications trainings, and I have read most of the books of this ilk out there, including Getting to Yes and Crucial Conversations, which are both excellent books as well. I highly recommend this book.
 Difficult to tell . . . April 23, 2008
In Difficult Conversations, the authors Stone, Patton and Heen set out to de-mystify the problems we get into in our daily conversations.
I found this book both enlightening and difficult. Enlightening because of the simple concepts and principles one should adopt when handling difficult conversations. For example, classifying all conversations into:
*The "What Happened ?" Conversation
*The Feelings Conversation
*The Identity Conversation
All of these made sense and will be very useful for me from now on. There were also plenty of examples to illustrate. And that's where I found this book difficult. For me, there were too many examples and sub sections of sub sections - I had to go back a number of times to make the various connections.
Having said that, conversations are a difficult topic to write about. Once a spoken sentence is put onto a page, it can be interpreted in a number of ways. I would have liked to have seen more "big picture" frameworks and diagrams to keep me on track and connected to the author's current point or topic.
Recommended for serious students of communication.
Bob Selden, author What To Do When You Become The Boss: How new managers become successful managers
Amazing book February 11, 2008
This book is well written, easy to read, and full of very good, "real life" examples. Many of the concepts presented seem like common sense... yet at the same time they generate "ah ha" moments. Personally, I think this book could be life altering if put into practice- both professionally and personally.
Great Resource January 28, 2008
Excellent recommendations on how to communicate effectively with anyone you care about or work with.
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