The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World | 
| Author: Alan Downs
Publisher: Da Capo Press
Category: Book
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Avg. Customer Rating:  36 reviews
Sales Rank: 25482
Media: Paperback
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 224
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.6
Dimensions (in): 8 x 5.4 x 0.7
ISBN: 0738210617
Dewey Decimal Number: 306.76620973
EAN: 9780738210612
ASIN: 0738210617
Publication Date: May 30, 2006
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Product Description
The gay male world today is characterized by seductive beauty, artful creativity, flamboyant sexuality, and, encouragingly, unprecedented acceptability in society. Yet despite the progress of the recent past, gay men still find themselves asking, "Are we really better off?" The inevitable byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, a shame gay men may strive to obscure with a faade of beauty, creativity, or material success. Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author's own journey to be free of anger and of shame, as well as the stories of many of his friends and clients, The Velvet Rage outlines the three distinct stages to emotional well-being for gay men. Offering profoundly beneficial strategies to stop the insidious cycle of avoidance and self-defeating behavior, The Velvet Rage is an empowering book that will influence the public discourse on gay culture, and positively change the lives of gay men who read it.
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| Customer Reviews: Read 31 more reviews...
 Some Truths, Mostly Superficial May 29, 2008
If you experienced the gay lifesyle as a skinny twink, enjoying the night life, drugs, alcohol and circut parties - this is for you. For the rest of us, it is very superficial and barely touches the reality or complexities of deep gay relationships. It also does not address bi lives or any real help to analyze heterosexual activity of men who may identify as gay or bi. In all, it's an interesting read but too superficial to make a real difference in building and maintaining a strong relationship.
Though apparently helpful to some, I find this book lacking; read it cautiously and with attentiveness to its flaws May 20, 2008
6 out of 7 found this review helpful
I read THE VELVET RAGE in response to the recommendation of a friend, many of whose sensibilities I share. While I don't consider THE VELVET RAGE to be a BAD book -- and while it evidently has been helpful to some men -- I find it deeply lacking.
Based on my experience during 53 years of life on this planet, I believe that for anyone to lead the fullest life possible, taking into account ALL the factors at play is important. For many years, writers in the realm of LGBT issues have focused their attention on homophobia and analyzed and campaigned for awareness of its deeply regrettable influence. The focus has been worthwhile and useful, especially for political reasons. But ignoring other factors at play not only detracts from individuals' ability to address them but exacerbates the chances of these other factors having a deleterious impact, especially if we deny their existence or -- worse -- are so completely desensitized to them that we have become incapable of perceiving them at all.
For these reasons, based on my observation and experience, I cannot stress strongly enough the importance of gay/bisexual men considering the ways in which their lives are influenced by misandry -- which is ignored completely in THE VELVET RAGE.
Misandry is the flip side of misogyny and is defined as "the hatred of or hostility towards males." Few dictionaries even list the word misandry, and -- if I'm lucky -- when I bring it up in conversation and people are hearing it for the first time, I'll be indulged with glassy-eyed "tolerance" for a topic with about as much appeal to them as coprophilia. Other times, people react with anger or hasten to change the subject. Few take any interest or will even concede that maybe -- just maybe -- I have a point. But if misandry simply doesn't exit (or if we must grudgingly concede that it exists but insist that its impact is inconsequential) -- and if a rational argument can be easily be made that dismisses my concern for misandry as being trivial or frivolous -- then why sometimes is there such a gut-wrenching response?
I think there is a variety of reasons, and I sense factors at play that have nothing to do with sexual orientation.
Among other reasons, in men, I sense that I'm not only challenging their proud self-perception as paragons of chivalry, but sticking my finger into what some thinkers call "the male wound" (a topic that is beyond the scope of this review!).
In women, I'm threatening their taken-for-granted, exalted position as the "better" sex and questioning society's presumption of females' collective moral and spiritual superiority. After all, no less an authority than former Congresswoman Barbara Jordan famously stated, "I believe that women have a capacity for understanding and compassion which a man structurally does not have, does not have it because he cannot have it. He's just incapable of it." Sheesh! Who the hell am I -- an idiotic man, for heaven's sake -- to challenge such profound wisdom?! And why, if this Ms. Jordan is correct, should men respect one another -- or even grant one another self-respect -- when it is "proven" that we are inherently evil (for Ms. Jordan's characterization is about as good a definition of evil as any I can think of).
In BOTH men and women, I'm tweaking their unacknowledged masculophobia. This term has been defined by different people in different ways, but my definition is "horror with regard to a type of manhood that is strong enough to stand on its own merit, unbeholden to the female sex for meaning."
One way of looking at masculophobia is to compare it to anti-male homophobia. Generally defined loosely as a societal horror over "what those men do," anti-male homophobia, upon close examination, fails to account completely for bias against gay/bisexual men. Indeed, largely overlooked by most commentators on homophobia, or only mentioned in passing, is its flip side, a societal horror over "what those men DON'T do" and our society's difficulty with that issue as well. When a man does not fulfill his rigidly-defined role of provider/protector for women, he elicits collective discomfort and disapproval because he is violating our narrow definition of that which constitutes manhood itself. This is masculophobia, and all males are its potential victims, regardless of their sexual orientation. (Warren Farrell's THE MYTH OF MALE POWER is a good place to begin a thought-provoking study of this little-discussed phenomenon. For folks who prefer to read about men's issues by an openly gay male author, I recommend Paul Nathanson's SPREADING MISANDRY (co-authored with Katherine K. Young).)
The main difficulty in raising such issues is that it draws attention to flaws in the whole prevailing paradigm of gender relations, which is based on patriarchy theory, or, as one critic of the paradigm calls it, "the conspiracy theory of history." Exquisite in its simplicity (though, if we are to accept its numerous irreconcilable contradictions and inconsistencies, we must ignore many facts), patriarchy theory makes us "feel good" through its stability (it is inherently impermeable to the admission of new information that might alter it) and the way in which it quickly and easily divides "us" against "them," putting "us" on the high ground of course (and if we happen to be male and embrace patriarchy theory, well, we can proudly count ourselves as rare exceptions, or -- more likely -- just avoid thinking about what inherently shameful creatures we are). People typically don't want to upset the applecarts that contain their longstanding prejudices, their sanctimony (my favorite dictionary definition of sanctimony: pompous high-mindedness), and their simplistic notions of The Way Things Are -- and have to THINK CRITICALLY for a change. Additionally, I have to cynically observe, many people profit from the paradigm in dubious ways and therefore have a vested interest in perpetuating it. For example, every study that has even bothered to inquire about the issue has found that males -- regardless of sexual orientation -- suffer from intimate partner violence as often as females. But the multi-billion-dollar domestic violence victim services industry is constructed -- and growing ever-larger -- around the ideological notion that this just isn't so.
I don't claim to possess complete knowledge of truth, but what strong resistance exists to any QUESTIONING of fashionable paradigms! From my perspective, this suggests that we live in an era in which many people embrace not a desire to live their lives based upon an understanding of reality (however imperfect, of course, that understanding must be) but, instead, upon ideological notions about the way things are s'pozed to be.
And ideology, I'm sorry to say, in my opinion, colors Alan Downs's writing in THE VELVET RAGE.
As I indicated at the outset, for many men I have no doubt that the book could be helpful . . . certainly, for men whose life experience runs parallel to that which Downs describes for himself and many of his patients.
But he is wrong in his claim that his pattern for a gay man's evolutionary journey (even in an analogous sense) is universal, and the evidence against him is by no means difficult to find. Why, right the October '07 issue of OUT Magazine there's an article that opens Downs's contention to serious doubt. In "Save the Last Dance," Steven Weinstein writes, "The younger kids don't want or need to follow in the footsteps of their older brothers -- they meet online and fit into the mainstream culturally." Nor among "their older brothers" was the pattern ever universal. A large portion of a fine documentary from 2005 on the same-sex marriage movement, "Tying the Knot," portrays the partnership of two male farmers, one of them now deceased. The surviving partner -- a Vietnam veteran -- describes a life path and a set of concerns that bear little resemblance to those of the men described by Downs. Indeed, when the farmer is asked what difference there was between his relationship and his brief marriage to a woman, the farmer replies that the sex was different but in every other respect there was no difference at all.
I don't think the habitues of such neighborhoods as Chelsea, West Hollywood and the Castro constitute an accurate cross-section of "gay America." Nor do I believe this was ever the case in the past. From what I can tell in my own life experience, the farmer in "Tying the Knot" is probably closer to being representative.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with writing a book about, and for, the guys of Chelsea, West Hollywood and the Castro, and maybe Downs's failure to make it clear that this is his book's purpose can be chalked up to unbridled enthusiasm for getting out his message. Maybe it's just garden-variety sloppy writing that makes it appear to me that he's saddled with rigid, ideological notions of what a gay man's life is s'pozed to look like. But there is too much additional sloppiness in how he writes to make me think that he really, REALLY knows what he's talking about, and it makes me wonder how much "authenticity" he himself has achieved by following his own prescription.
Some of the problems of the writing in this book arise out of simple ignorance: for example, Downs thinks that "monogamous" is synonymous with "sexually exclusive." It isn't, and if you don't believe me, check any dictionary definition.
More troubling to me, however, is the author's propensity for vagueness in areas about which -- it seems obvious to me -- he feels uncomfortable, afraid of offending anyone, or unwilling to trust his own ability to draw conclusions (if only tentative ones). In describing the homosexual male's relationship with society at large, for example, Downs simply recites unsupported, hackneyed cliches. Obfuscation of understanding of this relationship is furthered by his alluding to the overall character of society at large in a wishy-washy way. At some points, according to Downs in his book, it's heterosexual-male-dominated. Then, a page or a chapter later, it's not. So, which is it? Downs himself apparently is confused, or, doesn't really know. Whether because of intellectual laziness, unwillingness to grapple with complexity, or fear of the truth, Downs apparently hasn't even given the matter much thought. So how are gay men supposed to find healthy ways to relate to society at large (and with one another) when they are expected to do so without clear ideas of WHAT it is they're relating to, or, the character of the society IN WHICH they're trying to find intimacy?
Finally, my psychological guard went up when I came to the totally unnecessary (in my opinion) passage where Downs addresses (what a peculiarly redundantly term) "Lesbian women" -- whose egos he bends over backward to stroke as he informs them, in language that verges upon being apologetic, that his book is not for them.
Ironically, one of the factors that Downs cites as fostering "authenticity" is being in a safe place. I agree with him on that point, and one such safe place would be in the mental realm between the covers of a book, where it is possible to "share" intimate thoughts and feelings with its author. But just how safe is that place when the author manifests chariness and doubt about his inherent right to claim a special place just for himself and his select readers?
I ask your forgiveness in advance for the clumsiness of my analogy, but, in sum, maybe the simplest way to state my feelings about THE VELVET RAGE is to liken it to a book on, say, hanging draperies. For readers seeking information about constructing a home, hanging draperies is a worthwhile topic in the spectrum of subjects that deserve study. But if the author writes from a perspective that he offers Complete Understanding On How To Build Your Home, he is doing his readers a great disservice. Even for home-builders who feel strongly about the importance of draperies, limiting their action to following well-intentioned but ultimately superficial "how to" instructions on hanging draperies -- with the intention of thereby making a complete home -- are likely to experience results that are unsatisfactory at best and, at worst, catastrophic.
 Generalizing Differences May 13, 2008
1 out of 2 found this review helpful
Downs, Alan. "The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World", Da Capo Press, 2006.
Generalizing Differences
Amos Lassen
Alan Downs has written a book for everyone--not just gay people. He leads us on a journey involving cultural values and human flaws as well as perfection so that we can find authentic human hope. I know this sounds like a mouthful but in reading "The Velvet Rage", it all fits together.
Downs maintains that that the kind of behavior that we as gay people see as what is called normal (I hate that word) is a way of reacting to and dealing with the feeling that has been forced upon us by others--that of being second class citizens. Some of the issues that gays have had to deal with include body image, ideas of perfection, being judgmental, the use of gossip, secretiveness and quick to blame and to shift the blame. Downs explains where these feelings come from and how they can be changed. We get a composite picture of what an emotionally healthy gay person is like and we get a map that teaches us how to reach that point.
"The Velvet Rage" deals with subjects in a way that many of us have never seen before and issues that are unique to gay men are looked at in detail. I found aspects of my own personality in the book and explanations to why I behave a certain way.
The thesis is, in my opinion, is the subtitle of the book, "overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man's world". We bear the shame of feeling different and we feel excluded, even in today's liberated society. When I compare that to even ten years ago, we can see that we have come a very long way but some of those feelings will always be present. We usually spend a great deal of time striving to reach a stage of authenticity that many of us never reach.
The book also speaks directly to the effects that homophobia has on our psychological development. The fact that present culture has validated self-hatred, over-compensation and high and dangerous behavior in the gay community has resulted in these feelings.
As Downs takes on issues like toxic shame in the psyche of gay men, he shows that the "derailment" of self comes from our being invalidated in early years and what results is the murder of the very being--the soul. It is too soon for me to tell what the effect of reading this book will be but I do feel sure that I will be able to hold my head a bit higher. I have never denied my sexual identity but I am sure that I, like so many others have never felt completely at home. Neither am I in the closet. I am on a university faculty where I am "way" out but there are still those moments of discomfort as all of us have.
Not Just for Gay Men May 3, 2008
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
I read this book after meeting Dr. Downs at Michael's House in Palm Springs, CA, where he is the CEO. It would not be a book that I would normally read because I am a lesbian and I would have assumed the book didn't apply to me. How wrong I was. The pain and shame of growing up in a straight man's world crosses the gender gap. The book helped me to recognize and came to a deeper understanding of some of my own drives and behaviors that are directly related to the rejection of my sexuality. The pursuit of a satisfying and fulfilling life begins with self-examination and understanding and this book provides insight that will be helpful to any gay, lesbian or transgendered person. It is an informative and enjoyable read.
My new bible April 3, 2008
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
This book has changed my life. Any time I struggle within myself I will always come back to this book.
From page 3 it was like Alan Downs was speaking to me, and understood me.
If you as a gay man read one book in your lifetime, you owe it to yourslef to make this that book.
You deserve it!!
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