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You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One | 
| Author: Steven Stosny
Publisher: Free Press
Category: Book
List Price: $25.00
Buy New: $6.00
You Save: $19.00 (76%)
New (6) Used (7) from $5.99
Avg. Customer Rating:  20 reviews
Sales Rank: 42237
Format: Bargain Price
Media: Hardcover
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 384
Shipping Weight (lbs): 1.2
Dimensions (in): 9 x 6.2 x 1.3
Dewey Decimal Number: 306.872
ASIN: B0013L4CP4
Publication Date: December 27, 2005
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours
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Download Description
"As many as one-third of all American women tiptoe through life as if they are walking on eggshells -- at home, they spend most of their time trying to avoid criticism, anger, put-downs, or cold shoulders from their husbands or boyfriends. This verbal and emotional abuse can erupt over anything and everything, matters large and small: housework, cooking, work, spending money, buying household items and clothes for the kids, and going out. Clearly, verbal and emotional abuse is a serious problem. Relationship expert Dr. Steven Stosny has been featured on national media for the revolutionary techniques he uses in his Compassion-Power and Boot Camp programs, which help men rewire their resentment and anger, stop using emotionally abusive language and behavior, and compassionately recommit to their marriages and families.
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| Customer Reviews: Read 15 more reviews...
 Needs more examples, won't get your partner to change if he's unwilling. June 11, 2008
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
I read this book twice and then also summarized some key points (as it was a library book). Overall, the message I took away (as the person who is walking on eggshells) is that it is only up to me to stop being angry and resentful for what my spouse did to me (emotional abuse), and it was up to me to start my own healing. Maybe that sounds like common sense, but I guess I never was fully aware that I can stop the anger and resentment I felt after I learned he knew he was being abusive to me the whole time. Maybe that was just the next emotion to come out when you are no longer putting your energies into walking on eggshells.
The other big thing I took away was that you can build up your own core value, which in turn will protect you from dings/dents from other people. I don't think I ever really internalized the words/messages from my spouse, which is probably why I didn't waste many precious years with him (nor do we have children). I never thought I was those things he said to me. Yes, he still saddened and disappointed me with his behavior and views on me. But still building up your core value will only be beneficial to you and help you do what is in the best interests for yourself.
What I did not get is how exactly you valuing yourself more would cause, in turn, for your spouse to treat you with more value. When I did most of the things he talked about, this actually made the abuse worse. Some of the worse months were when I truly believed I deserved to be treated better and acted so. And then handing him a book to read? HA! I guess Stosny did say at one point you'd have to leave in order to get him to fully realize. Unfortunately I left because I had had enough and couldn't take it anymore, and all the love was killed. It's a mighty drastic step to kick your partner out, and I cannot see doing this while you are still in love and wanting the relationship to work. So his theory on getting the abuser to change by treating yourself differently did not make alot of sense to me.
I think I also understood better why my spouse did what he did (aside from actually CHOOSING to do that). I understood the background. I've read alot of books on abuse (Bancroft, Evans, Engel), and Stosny's explanation fit my spouse the most I felt. It also helped me understand that because he came into the marriage feelings so inadequate, that is why no amount of reassuring and boosting coming from my end would really help. I couldn't help him, only he could. But he was in denial over what he was doing until I separated from him.
What I would have liked to see more real life examples, or applications of his principles. There weren't enough for my taste.
I got this book shortly after I had already broken up with my spouse and asked him to leave the house. I had no desire to work things out with him ever again. The book never encouraged me to "get over my anger and give it a try." To which I am thankful (the last thing I need is more guilt). There simply isn't any love let, it's been squashed, and abuse truly is a relationship destroyer. If you have no desire to work on it, it's really hard to muster even the slightest desire. Yet you can still benefit from this book. The first few chapter will deal with you.
My spouse is doing the HEALS because he started seeing a therapist after I broke up with him. I hope he can work on himself for sure, but not for "us" or the marriage.
 A great way to understand your husband in a new POSITIVE way!!! April 3, 2008
2 out of 2 found this review helpful
As I started reading this book I felt as though he was discribing my marriage exactly - with phrases that my husband says and everything. I have been reading a lot of books about saving a marriage and the emotionally abused and most of them truely focus on the fact that you are the victum and your spouse is the abuser. I was already in a negaative state of mind and was desperatly trying to find a way out to better my thinking and most of those books made me feel as though there may be no hope for us. Those books seemed to also say things that sounded similar to my siutation but this one was right on track and was almost scary how close it came to being EXACTLY like us. The other books focaused a lot on WHO was abusive in my life and making it seem as though it started form when I was a child and started making me resent some people in my family which was not helping me at all it was making my life even more sad because I almost felt trapped by abusers. This book focuses more on the positive and really works on you. It helps you understand your husband a little better and really brings light on why he is the way he is - not at all giving him excuses or making it right but helping you find the compastion and not anger toward your spouse. It works on YOU and making you happy again and finding that inner you that you once were. Once you are happy with yourself then the rest will follow suit in one way or the other. This was the book I was truely looking for!!!
It works!!! January 9, 2008
3 out of 3 found this review helpful
I bought this book shortly after my wife had had enough of my angry, resentful and emotionally abusive behavior. I had recognized my problem behavior and been to counseling for years but it did not work. I was even taking medication in order to change my behavior and save my marriage - again, it did not help. When I bought the book, my marriage was over but I was still looking to improve myself for my children. I had to do something or my children would grow up hating me. I read the book and it was like a light went on. I understood where the anger came from, why it was so hard to control and why the endless counseling sessions never helped. I had a sense of hope I had never had before.
I started the HEALS exercises right away and within a week I could feel a difference. I attended one of Dr. Stosny's Boot Camps - it was amazing. The insight into relationships that I learned was incredible. After two weeks of doing the HEALS I felt amazing. I felt a sense of calmness and a sense of control (over myself) that I had never felt before. I was actually happy, deep down inside.
It has been a difficult road but my wife and I are back together and doing well. I still have my moments of anger but they are very few and far between. Practicing HEALS on occasion helps.
I cannot say enough positive things about this book. This book and Dr. Stosny have changed my life and I thank God for bringing both of them into my life. If you are an abuser or feel you are being abused (i.e., walking on eggshells) PLEASE buy this book and get the help you deserve. If you're not sure, click on the "Search Inside" and look at the Excerpt Section. Take the "Walking on Eggshells Quiz" and see how many times you'd check the "Most of the time". My wife would have said it was ALL of the time.
I just finished reading the book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words" and found it to be very helpful as well.
Also, for those reviewers who feel this book is biased against men, you need to understand that 99% of the abuse that occurs is perpetrated by men. The book is great at explaining the reasons why men are more prone to being angry and resentful and how that leads to abuse. I believe that the book talks about abuse by women and that the HEALS exercises work for that as well.
Thank you Dr. Stosny for helping me get my life back and becoming the husband and father I've always wanted to be but couldn't.
A Wonderful Book to Get the Process of Compassion Started December 1, 2007
2 out of 2 found this review helpful
As a counselor I have dealt with clients who are struggling with abuse and have often recommended this book. I find it especially useful, however, for those who are feeling abused, and though it can be useful to those who are abusing, this is only the case if they are already open to the process of "boot camp" utilized in this book. This means they already understand the control and entitlement issues that keep them locked into the abuse pattern as more adequately explained in the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Once the abuser has broken through the denial of abuse and is ready for serious confrontation and healing of these issues, the tools of Stosny's book are very valuable, especially his "Heals" steps, for helping the abuser confront the abuse patterns without shame. The book also illustrates how compassion is needed when the person who has been abused finally feels safe enough to express his/her hurt, pain, fear, and anger regarding being abused over the months/years. Used in this light, I feel this book is an extremely useful and valuable tool for both therapists and those who are struggling with abuse directly in their lives. - Dr. Lisa Love, Beyond the Secret
Excellent Self-help For Individuals & Couples May 8, 2007
6 out of 6 found this review helpful
Stosny's book is excellent! It teaches individuals how to heal from the pain anger has caused and how to heal relationhips damaged by anger in clear and simple steps. I have used the book in counseling with couples struggling in emotionally and physically abuse relationships. Doing the exercises and applying the principles in this book can bring peace and power to the individual and to the relationship.
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